New suggestion on how to stop Stephen becoming a beardie.

Subject him to a Richard Curtis Marathon, that'll surely break his spirit! Saving the cringiest for last.

Starting with:

Notting Hill
Bridget Jones 1 AND 2 consecutively.
Four weddings and a funeral

Then...

LOVE ACTUALLY!

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Results Day

This post on the 17th of August 2006 will come in pieces.

9:16

I haven't rung up my uni yet. I am instead enjoying my last few moments of uncertainty with a cup of tea and my mum. I'm not sure how to feel and as a result I'm feeling quite cheerful. In about half an an I shall feel either euphoria or dissapointment. Hopefully the former.

10:23

I'M IN!!!

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!

Come September 26th I shall be a student of Royal Holloway University of London.

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!

Ways To Stop Stephen Growing a Beard.

For we do not want Stephen to become beardie.

1. Bribe him.

2. shave off his eyebrows and hold them to ransom.

3. Steal his laptop and hold IT to ransom.

4. Steal Julian, and threaten to kill him should stephen not shave his beard.

5. Engage in a highly secret and complicated night time mission to shave off his beard as he sleeps. And then blaming the missing facial hair on eating vast amounts of chocolate, or 'green lanterns'. *

6. Positive reinforcement.

7. Negative reinforcement.**

8. Wet Fish.

*
Operation eliminate beardie.
Agent number one going out on the field, and via a highly complex system of cables, pulleys and hooks, gliding noiselessly from the secret base to Stephen's room (codenamed the nest). Agent number two will be back at base, with a laptop, webcam, microphone, a mini mass spectrometer, an electronic pH reader and a whole bunch of other micro super agentie type gedgets some of which Agent number two has dispatched along with agent number one. She is guiding Agent number one by reading a bunch of sensors attachted to Agent number one's agent suit. For example, she's reading infrared, sonic radar, night vision, day vision, sound, ultraviolet, information of the surroundings alongside Agent number one's vital stats.

Agent number one mean while will then absail over stephen's bed, dangling precariously over his bed with some shaving foam and a couple razors take car of the facial hair...


**
Negative reinforcement...

Right. In the dead of night, two unidentified people go into Stephen's room. Splash ice cold water over him, knock him about a bit with his laptop, spash him again with cold water. Blindfold him, walk him around a bit and spinn him around to confuse him before plopping him onto a spinnie chair and shining a desk lamp into his face WWII torture/interogation stylee. Then once balacavers are safely on take off the blindfold and threaten to kill Stephen's laptop if he doesn't shave the beard. And possibly enter into a dialogue such as this:

XX: Shave the beard

Stephen: No

[Stephen gets a whack over the head with his laptop, and an electric shock from the electrodes attached to his nipples.]

XX: Shave the beard

Stephen: No

[Stephen gets a whack over the head with his laptop and an electric shock from the electrodes attached to his nipples.]

And so on and so forth until Stephen is a tortured gibbering wreck, cracks and agrees to shave the beard.

Then knock him out, plop him back into his bed and when he wakes up he'll think it was all a dream...


p.s I have been watching Greenwing recently...

As Time Goes By

Well new month. New Post.

Am trying to work out how to play 'As Time goes By' So that I can play it in Bars on shite upright pianos. Or one MY shite upright piano which for possibly the first time this year... I woke up, noseyed downstairs to make some tea and while the kettle boiled I sat down for a momentary tinkle, and my piano was perfectly in tune! Absolutley and wonderfully in tune, not an echo, not a vaguely flat note, not a slightly spongey feeling, nothing. Just sharp, responsive, fresh and lovely. I was so damn happy. I had been thinking about parting with £40 to get a man in to fiddle around inside my piano, because it seriously hasn't been in tune for at least six months. I mean it does go a bit AWOl from time to time, summmer months usually especially when the temperature peaks, or if it's a bit humid. Usually it's alright, the livingroom where it sits usually manages quite a stable temperature whatever the weather. This year though, with all this heatwaves, and high humidities... The piano has been less than half decent. I'd gotten so used to the lack of response that I'd altered my way of playing so as to extract some sort of music, and was shocked this morning by the sharpness of my 'Cha Cha'. All the staccato notes were actually staccato.

Ahhh it's great having my piano back... greater now that I don't have to get a man in.